Hold out the Hope, Hold out the dreams. Steer to your Hope, Steer to your dreams.

As usual some introductory remarks that may have no link.

Yesterday was the Chinese exam, then I didn't wish good luck to many ppl as I have said on FB. But a little more than usual XD The Paper 1 came and then I had a tough decision yet again to make.

Again I chose the narrative... This was less tricky because it didn't have words like 'huge' that must be expressed sufficiently, which I did not do in the EOYs.

But let's not talk about it. I have more confidence in my Paper 2 and I think an 80+ mark tally there is on the cards.

Moving on it was a rather hilarious episode of events. Went to the computer lab to update the testimonial, just with the Quiz Comp results. Here and there waiting, Kenneth FBing, Shi Ping forum-ing.

Then we left to have lunch at Coronation having a hilarious mini-debate about whether the place will be crowded. And whether to watch 'This Is It' and also what to do.

The lunch was pretty normal, yeah. But at least I was happy unlike what I would have done in the past years, I didn't head straight home.

Then at the bus stop, bade farewell to Justin and Shi Ping. Now its Kenneth and me. What on Earth are we supposed to do now?

Chat, chat, ponder, crap, what now?

Decided on pool and went up bus 852, and saw... Zi Cong there. Then okay changed venue to Bukit Batok.

Went there and oops school uniform cannot. Problem is I dun have la, and Zi Cong needs to go home. Suan le, went bowling.

So I didn't have my first taste at pool... but instead went bowling again. 110+, 150+, 110+ for a total of 380+, so it is like average of around 128. That is pretty normal, everything normal. My 2nd game tends to have the highest score, and my average is 120+, no problem as well. But in the 3rd game I refound my hitches in this year's UGBC, where I just could not heal a problem of the ball moving to the left...

But anyway there is no pressure, and kudos for the collective strong competitive start for all 3 of us in the 2nd game.

Now having said so much the main point comes XD

I decided to move on to Yong Quan because he is still one of my best friends and I like chatting with him (though he will never reply to my SMSes, like Seng Peing). Another reason is, since 2N people are having their Chalet from today to 13th, there will be less than expected responses, because less will be accessing Facebook, etc.

I would think the 18 comments for Seng Peing's segment was a great start, but peppered with some of my own responses, and because I can tag more people I know and he knows, then Yong Quan you dun have to be disappointed haha.

No la I am just crapping the only thing that really matters is the person involved and the person saying all these. Maybe someone can compile all these and let's see how many pages it would have occupied in an A4-sized book, or an A5-sized book.

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Like Seng Peing, I first met Yong Quan in Secondary One. I think the first time we talked was during that 1st PE session, which was Height and Weight, duh. Wow we had to change in the Kah Kee Hall. Having just came in to the school it would have been a shock and would need time to adapt to the habits here, but yeah, a little astounded for me at least.

Then he was Reg 12, while I was Reg 11. He saw my weight, WA SO LIGHT, was what I heard from him. Haha. I was real light. Considering in P6 I was 29.5kg (in P5 I was 31kg), it is really a little astounding to think of it.

Slowly we built a friendship. I was happy to start out with some friends made already, having been like unsure of it especially during the 3-day orientation.

(Now here is a clarification, as I was like completely slacking in Sec 1 my memories then are really limited. Now maybe u people shall think about the difficulties of doing such memories recollection, but I do hope to cover more people than less.)

Yet, I had one bitter experience with Yong Quan. I guess he would know too. (Now all of you know I am not going to be a completely good guy and lift everyone to the skies lol.)

Somehow he just likes to swing his light blue bag which contains his hard bottle. I think he no longer has that bag, or at least does not use it now. Swing, swing, swing and hit it in my abdomen. OUCH! !$%^#* (this is not vulgarities la)

He likes it so much I actually think he should go to some CCAs that uses the arms more. Oh now to think of it maybe tennis? Or softball haha.

That was the only thing I was unhappy with him then... then one day I got really angry.

He hit me, the anger barometer in me exceeded its capacity, and I just with an angry expression charged at him, then he 'won' with his bottle as I did nothing. I am glad I am no fighter, because I don't want to ever fight. Then childishly, perhaps fitting for our age then, I said "I shall tell Mr Hon!" and stormed off pretending to go Staff Room.

That now feels just hilarious.

Now how did we solve this. That day I sent a huge font sized and huge bombardment at Yong Quan, with some personal attacks. Then he replied, and I replied. Whatever I can't remember. I guess it is in my mailbox still but no point relooking.

It took rather long for us to slowly heal relations. People say problems are solved best through face to face conversation. We didn't, maybe we paid a little price with time. Slowly, not sure how, we managed to become close friends again. Then he about no longer swings that bottle bag (or shoe bag) into me again.

As much as that might be an unorthodox way to try and train my abdomen muscles, no thanks!

Just an addition, maybe some of you realised that I mentioned me more here compared to the first post, but that's because in lower seconday I was more involved with Yong Quan.

We were also in the same project group in Sec 1 but I was a huge slacker then, so aiya... please not talk about it. I was sorry. That's why I could identify with Darren, his sort of slack attitude, but he was better than me then because he is committed to Council, really, and he was able to commit to Quiz Comp as well. Huge enthusiast in non-academic commitments. Something I only gained in Sec 3 with Publications knocking.

Yeah, and he was the only one to be exempted for English in our class. Haha. Yarn Kit is the more genial one (how do you spell genial?) while Yong Quan is the more hardworking one. And hard work pays so he got exempted. Not bad eh, Javan just missed in being eligible for English exemption...

Then we moved on with life to Sec 2. Hm at that time was like a joke era. Having known each other for a year most of us had moved into semi groups and are just joking all the time. Just that I didn't work hard when I needed to but people like Yong Quan did.

I never sat beside Yong Quan in class, but during break times we always broke to chat about whatever crap with people like Ernest, Wei Xiang, Seng Peing, Dion, Nigel, mostly that. Sometimes head down to the poolside restaurant and just waste time.

That kind of life... I dun like actually.

But then there was this one Chinese lesson when we were talking about a comprehension, or just a passage. The passage was something about people on a ship, then sinking, then do you save yourself or others. Something like that. Then our teacher called Yong Quan, and asked him to name his best friend, for a start.

There were calls among the class 'Seng Peing!' But Yong Quan ended up naming me. I was a little stoned, pleasantly surprised. Not really actually, because when I felt the hesitation in Yong Quan for a while I was thinking oh maybe he is not going to say OSP.

Yeah then the Chinese teacher said after the response, "这样好像对不起俊良啊!" Haha that was funny.

Then I was just a little awkward that recess, but I was like a little thankful for the recognition. XD

The reason why Yong Quan is often associated with Seng Peing is because they are always joking together, working together hiding things....

Now that I think of this, let's return to something that happened in Sec 1.

Hiding items was already the culture in our group of friends. Then when Seng Peing has been hiding Wei Xiang's things, I went and took Wei Xiang's (yellow) bottle (with the black cover), sort of communicating with Yong Quan as I did. Haha we agreed.

Then I hid it somewhere and then we RAN.

OMG. How irresponsible. I think I am going to talk about this again in Wei Xiang's post. Yes you will have one XD

Yong Quan's grades have always been better than mine, and I would say it is because I did not work hard.

He left for the CSE, as all of us now, SMTP. Our time together hugely declined, but of course we say hello when we meet, not just that, but as really close friends we would probably stop for a chat. That's something I will appreciate from all my good friends as we move to JC.

And one other good thing is that we still meet each other as we go home from NPCC. We take the same bus 852 home. Somehow I just like to insist taking 852 instead of other alternatives because I did not want to walk into the interchange then take MRT.

Haha but that was a real lot of chatting time, interaction time.

And thankfully I am a Publications Head, not an NCO as well, so I did not have to attend most meetings, thus freeing me up to take the bus home with this A&A Deputy Head.

As we look back, I really appreciated our times together. We don't meet so often anymore, especially in the morning, because I am like always taking different timings of bus depending on when I leave my house. And he can take 3 other buses because he is at a bus stop not the interchange.

But anyway I would prefer to spend time sleeping and make up for insufficient sleep on the bus to school. That's a semi-remedy to allow me to not doze off during lessons, though it obviously does not work for Alvin Liew =D

Yong Quan is not a sports person, not a music person, but he is a really hardworking person. And he likes friends as I can see. He enjoys friendships and places huge importance on it nowadays. And I hope we will be able to continue this for long, regardless whether we choose the same subject combination in JC.

And David Lim does have some nicknames too. HAHA DAVID LIM. Somehow because of the Infocomm lesson it got interesting and is quite a good nickname. But his main one is determined by he himself. Which is an intellectual decision. Squirrelpaw, now Squirrelflight. And I am telling you I was from Squirrel house in my Pri Sch. Lol. Anymore?

And now the same question, are you intending to head to a local or overseas university? Hey OSP you have not answered...

And Yong Quan, don't forget we have to take some photos together!

My mind is like obsessed with friendship nowadays, so I have been trying to restain myself from appearing TOO enthusiastic. As I have said a couple of times, for example, on MSN, I will just keep on trying to talk to some people. Sorry if you didn't like it. I am practising some form of restraint.

But anyway, it's not necessarily a bad thing. Friends are really good to be there for you and you for them as well. Okay I didn't really phrase that well but hope you got it.

After that previous hugging dream, where the worst part was when I snapped out of it at like around 5+ to 6am in the morning, this dream was worse. But again our minds are limited and it will take a lot to be able to actually remember more content. When I was younger I actually remembered one long strain of events in a nightmare that could be classified nightmareS.

The content is not much anyway as I would have implied.

Ok. There is this teacher (one of my teachers this year) who is like harsh. Then she asked me a question. As dreams are, sometimes you don't even know what you are asked. Then I got the best escape route. Guess what?

I actually am already half-awake. So I opened my eyes to snap out of it. HAHA. I remembered when I was young I actually could force my eyes to open (that time I could even use my hands to really open it) to escape a nightmare. But if I went back to sleep after that the dream will CONTINUE, so I was scared then and went to sleep beside my mum and dad, where I never get nightmares XD.

That was many years back. This was not that bad, just a little negative. Then I continued lying and fell asleep again and here I am scolded by this teacher and then I was told to clean the place.

I was literally picking up... what's that called in English? The crunchy thing, like a thinner version of tadpole, can be used in making soup have taste, and better needs cleaning the black stuff. Jiang Yi Jai in Chinese, and I don't know how to write it as well...

Pick until so much. In the dream these are actually like bigger, enlarged, and more yellow. I picked all the HEADS on the floor. God knows why these things are lying around.

Then I picked all, the teacher came out, shocked there were so many, me just angry...

Then went off, then next scene is with friends. Friends including Soo Wee, Yong Rui (sorta beside me), Daniel, and whoever I forgot, were there. I sort of caught up with them after the ridiculous picking. Then they decided not to go somewhere... I think watch a movie?

This links with real life, Kenneth having asked me whether want to watch 'This Is It' which is ending in cinemas on 11 November as I just found out. Then I didn't voice my opinion, and in the dream I was like shutting my eyes. Noting Yong Rui has noticed me too...

Then yeah that is me in real life, seldom having an opinion that is spoken. I tend to like to follow the crowd, nothing wrong with that. I just lament sometimes I should be more open to voicing opinions and thoughts and feelings more readily in any setting suitable.

And a lot depends on my mood.

So this dream is really disorganised and would fail as a narrative. But of course just being able to remember my dreams and jotting down before I forget is a joy I would hold on to. XD

Before all these I wish my sister Happy Birthday!

With abundant time this November after the Higher Chinese papers, I have been pondering about many possibilities. To curb boredom, duh!

1) Go out with friends (Movies, Pool, Bowling, Soccer, etc.)
2) Blog (I still have passion in jotting down memories)
3) Music (Michael Buble heals the soul, Lol. Etc. singers.)
4) For once, join a game like Maple?
5) MSN Chat

Of course going out with friends can't be a daily affair. I would be glad enough if we friends can even meet up, with whichever group/bunch, every week or twice a week XD.

Furthermore, going out so often is GOING TO BURN MY 'SAVINGS' this year. If I can't keep financial controls I shouldn't even bother about Econs or possibly Accounting in future. Oh yeah, maybe I should set a question to test you in what container do I place my 'leftovers' of pocket money.

As for Maple, I am still undecided, let's see how it goes... maybe I will join ZKZ for some Audition-ing (He just can't progress to the finals it seems...) But maybe it will be like a short-term contract, maybe I will stop playing like after 1 month.

As for MSN chatting, I had better curb myself more. I wonder if I am being such a big noise over here. Of course I would expect my friends to be forthcoming in chatting with me... but maybe if the chat drags quite long you can tell me to stop... lol. Shi Ping I just realised that chat spanned hours... I am still for chats, but maybe I will impose a time limit.

Then of course my blog comes it. I like to elaborate a lot when faced with a screen and my keyboard... but since many of you are suffering from boredom, you can treat reading my posts (some of which will be copied to FB Notes) as a way to kill time and know my thoughts.

I am such a 'sharer' online...

Now I shall move over the supposed introduction (which I enjoyed writing) and to the main point.

Friends are really pivotal in my life. Of course, when you move on, you make new friends, and you may distance from some friends as a result. I don't like this, but no point forcing your way out. Try to keep in contact, if the interest remains, then that friendship will be great and long lasting. If not, remember the good times, and if possible, still keep in touch XD

Many of you know Seng Peing has been such close friends with me. So I have decided to kickstart this series with him. This series will focus on things like how we met, became friends and some more noteworthy experiences. I don't have an astounding memory, so if you have things to add on, please do tell me in anyway possible.

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It was in Secondary One. Seng Peing wasn't the first person I started speaking to. The first were Yong Quan and Ernest. Don't worry, I will probably have posts for each of you.

My first memory was during Literature lesson. I don't know if you will remember this as the first impression, but it occurs that we were, under Mr Krison, in groups. Something like a get-to-know-you session... we each came up with questions and 3 options.

I think the question that I set was 'How many siblings do I have?' or along those lines. Seng Peing got it right immediately. (Maybe you can tell me how you did it or was it luck?) I still remembered his sort of sneaky smile as I told him he was right... maybe he saw through my question and he was proud to get it right. But I was mildly impressed nonetheless.

Times of course just continued to get by, with Seng Peing sitting beside Ernest, me in front of the pair. Tian Hao at that time was not a savoury experience I must say... but he is a better guy now I must say.

At least I remembered that your name was Seng Peing right from the start, not Seing Peng or Seng Peng, etc.

I sort of wasted lots of time and focus in lower secondary, so I would not have remembered much stuff anyway. I just knew that Seng Peing is quite a loyal friend I suppose, always joking non-stop, and then he stuck close with Ernest in the first 2 years. And he managed to top the class in Math in one test, 43/40, to thrash everyone else including the math pros. Stunning effort. (Wen Shen was 2nd.)

I still remember 2 occasions he was scolded in Sec 2. The first was our form teacher scolding him because in the name of BAD fun, he pasted a post-it with 'Anna' or something like that on Wei Xiang's note on the board back of the class. Anna was like a bad character on a Ch 8 show which the group of us (Wei Xiang, Yong Quan, Ernest, Seng Peing, Dion, Nigel and also others like Javan) hooked on as an adjective. Annalicious, etc. And the 5-letter B word I hated as well.

The 2nd time was by the History teacher because I think he just kept smiling when posed a question or something... I think it was harsh... scolding due to a smile?

And actually, Seng Peing got really angry once. I can't remember exactly what happened, but the extremely rash Wei Xiang just pointed the finger at Seng Peing and kept on accusing him of something he didn't do. I can see his smile dissipated and he was fuming, and I wondered if I helped. I intervened and just explained that, 'Hey look at Seng Peing. If he did it he wouldn't be like in this state...'

But that just explains Seng Peing's huge knack for hiding people's things ANYWHERE, EVERYWHERE. Ranging from behind the coloured papers on the notice board, on top of the thin metal poles linking and supporting the fans (it was lower and reachable with a chair), or along the lockers... very creative indeed.

And also, he just keeps poking people. We can see Ernest jumping up from it all the time... and the worst thing is he is nearly immune from the shock from pokes...

Really playful then... but who wasn't at that time? All in the name of GOOD fun.


Moving on, because Seng Peing refused to heed advice from me at the very least, he didn't do and submit the last Infocomm Studies assignment (exam) and thus he got C for that, pulling his MSG higher than it should to 2.4. Absurd... and he could not get into SMTP and study Biology (as I recently found out) just because of that.

But that's a good news for me because at least I have an established friendship going into 3I1 last year. I remembered pledging with him on MSN just before school starts in 2008, that, come on, let's go and challenge for the top in the class.

I had been lagging, but at least I made a last-ditch recovery to join the group. But let me say, I will need to improve all my aspects each coming year to maintain such challenges.

Sec 3 life was not particularly spectacular. But without Infocomm Seng Peing did better? Lol. He became like a really close and good friend to me, perhaps inevitably.

I was like always asking him Math. I remember I kept asking abt Logarithms, and as the test came, I just nice got 30/40, while he made lots of careless errors to get 30/40 as well.

This year, he was very nice because he kept being a talking companion as I urged and pleaded him to go with me to the canteen... he never did so the past years. I was happy with this. I think the continued conversations has led to a really strong friendship bond, such that we are comfortable around each other, we can talk on anything random, and we can talk about nothing... lol.

And we rounded up 4 years together in NPCC as well. It was a toil, but God wonders where you could have ended up HAD YOU JUST COMPLETED THE APPLICATION FORM FOR EXCO?

And now he is the perpetuator/'sustainer' of the stupid catchphrases like, "It's all about me. Red and Loud and Boomz. Stealing steel, still. You know, you know? Khaki green..." Never-ending, really disturbing to me... but being such great friends, you won't have misgivings...

And as for nicknames, he had quite a few. I can't recall all of course. But there is one popular one called O$P$, wondered who started it? Cos of his initials... And then Smiling Ornament was courtesy of Yong Quan I guess. Many short-term ones. I called him 'Ong Peing Peing' cos it sounded so cute. Then Yarn Kit was pure rude with 'Ah Peing'. Anymore I left out?

And now he is 3rd in class, me joint-4th, we achieved what I (not we actually) aimed, and as I am fixed on going to PCME, yes Physics, Chemistry, Math, Econs, he is pondering whether to add Biology to these.

I won't stop him from having a free choice... he might want to take Biology as he wants to be a doctor or a teacher in future. Biology will be essential for him in the first choice. Of course, I would want him to continue 2 years with me, but you see, I have no right to interfere in the path he wants... and I am very grateful already for the times we have had.

Let's just take photos, let's just remember each other, let's just be lifelong friends and always keep in contact.

True friends cannot be separated by merely different education paths. (Anyway are you intending to settle for a local university? Cos I am most likely to follow my brother into NUS. Though courses will likely be different, at least we can meet more compared to if we are so far apart in different countries...)

Thank You for all these memories. We are capable of more for the whole of life XD

Best of friends.

This was what I was hoping for... but imagine how disappointed I was when I woke up... :'(

I shall try to put as much details as I can remember.

I was sitting in... I think the auditorium. If its the school auditorium then we are like sitting in the centre block, last row of the front section. I am at the most left seat in that centre block (from my view) (right side if viewed from stage). Next to me is Shi Ping.

Then I don't know what we were doing anyway. Next moment, he took out his phone, went to camera mode, then held it up having flipped the direction. Then I felt so touched. I didn't speak a word, neither did he.

I leaned to him and we took a picture.

Then we rotated like 90 degrees to his right, in an awkward position that seemed tough, I helped him pass the phone to Alvin, who was next to him, then he took a picture of us. Then it was unclear, and then I tried to squeeze my head in more, then yeah had a nice picture.

Okay the position was like, I went stretching my body in front of him, him tugging me in front of him, then imagine this while we were sitting (or rather he was sitting since I am like moved so much should be out of my seat) in auditorium seats. Me on the left, stretching across the right to move to the right of Shi Ping, to face Alvin in the 3rd seat.

While that's dramatic.

Then the pic was completed with me tucked really to the right and him leaning towards the left.

I was so touched. It was what I wanted.

I gave Shi Ping a hug.

And that's it, the next scene I see was that all these pics were uploaded to somewhere which looked really like the format in Facebook. Even that last hug which was purportedly taken by something we called 'KI' in the dream, which I have no idea whatsoever now. Some spy or phototaking club?

I think as this happened in my mind I could well be so smiling on my bed. This dream felt so real, not surreal at all, that I readily trusted it is the truth. I wanted it to be anyway.

But it isn't... :'(

I woke up feeling so disappointed and I was determined to take so many photos with so many people during Batch Dinner, or maybe during other opportunities, maybe when we go watch a movie, or play pool or bowling, soccer, anything...


I am an outright ESFJ, more than ever now.

You know I treasure my family most, but friends just behind, and that's still such a prime position. Friends, I can never live without.

Please keep in touch in me and tell me how I can keep in touch with you as we embark on separate journeys. Who knows our life paths may cross again, maybe in NS, maybe in our careers, or maybe some of you becomes so famous?

We cannot predict the future. But we can plan for the future. XD

I am still very thankful to God and to Shi Ping (somehow), for giving me such a dream. The pics are clear in my brain, but if only I could print out images in my mind...

Maybe I won't take that many pics after all in Commencement Dinner. Such a hugely formal occasion. I don't know if I will bring the family camera along (make sure I don't lose it!!), or I will be relying on active class photographers like Seng Peing and Ke Zheng.

Be sure to help me, also I can help you all take photos.

Anyway this is just a dream I had which I enjoyed. I don't know why, but in recent times I have been having more and more realistic dreams. The last one I remembered was something about Thierry Henry, and I blogged it too under the label 'Dreams', I think, so maybe if you are interested you can go and have a look.

Dreams are such beautiful things (except nightmares!!). I don't have a fixed belief for dreams. Some people say dreams are a depiction of reality while others say dreams are the opposite of reality. I say, hey, I decide what I want to interpret. If its good, then it depicts reality; if it's bad, then its the opposite. What a convenient way to work around things. Not being greedy, but being optimistic, and being happy and not apprehensive and superstitious.

Friendship for the win. For life.

The 4I1 class BBQ had just ended like an hour ago. For me, it was quite a mild event.

Let us not talk about the food and my food.

From the event, I actually drew greater sorrow than happiness. Why? Firstly, when I stepped into the pool arena, I saw huge numbers of my classmates doing business at the tables. I wanted to join, yes, but I didn't. Let me not interfere with them... I haven't learnt anything about pool you see. Though it probably didn't matter, I just kept quiet and watched, the hollowness and the unfufilled desire was alive in me.

Moving on, we moved to the bbq venue. Quite a small place. Then again I felt empty. Sometimes I really fault myself for my character. Why am I so passive? Why can I never take the initiative?Sometimes, I just wonder who I am.

Someone asks me to play cards. I will always be half-hearted. On one hand I am thinking about how I can be actually helping with the bbq; on the other hand, maybe I should join some fun.

There I was, moving around here and there, in the middle of nowhere, in a crowded place, but largely alone. This batch of classmates contain some of my best friends in my life, but I don't know where to turn to. I am really lost. Deep-seated in my cheerful outlook, I am actually lost.

I didn't make a huge contribution to the bbq-ing, I didn't stay playing with my friends; just one game actually. I didn't have any meaningful chat with anyone. I didn't really enjoy.

Darkness set in and this is when I am always most lost. I recall the last time in OB Singapore, I was so left out when I didn't have a tent I belonged to for the first night. I was really sad and scared. I needed to request for a place to belong.

Then the time came when they wanted to go pool. I am stuck; I don't know if I want to go. I actually want to go with them. When Kenneth asked me I was swayed. But somehow when they started leaving I did not follow them.

I have never played pool but I am tempted. It looks a really cool and focused game. A good game for recreation in my opinion.

Now back to why I did not leave with them. I don't know for sure. I just have this low self-belief. I need to be dragged into stuff sometimes. I need the comforting knowledge that I am wanted. Just like in Sec 2, I will always watch my classmates play soccer on the side field and wait for them to invite me. I don't know what you call this.

Then I stayed and watched them play cards. Or rather, Poker, which I knew from playing Governer of Poker in Miniclip. Punishment is to eat some 5 'credits' as I will call it of food. I didn't join the game because I was a little full. When Daniel ate that kitchen roll paper my heart ached. I wondered why.

All in the name of good fun? But I just believe he shouldn't have done that. Yet I don't have the moral initiative to stop him, which Seng Peing did by taking the banana peel from him a while later. In this case I really fail. I am really inadequate.

Then they came back. The pool people. I was glad. (Omitted feelings about my food) Then as there were more people there is greater likelihood I can seek solace.

Seng Peing's phone is a good tool. In that time I really wanted to take joint photos with people like Alvin, Shi Ping, Kenneth, Seng Peing, my great friends, but I didn't. Why? Why am I like this? Why is it I don't even have the courage and belief to do what I want to do? Sobs.

My school life in High School section is going to end and I am taking huge alarm that I actually don't boast of any photos with my great friends. That is pathetic stuff. I want that but I am so withdrawn. I dispute the classification of me in Extraversion.

Just like what has happened past this year. Having been approached by Kenneth for hugs, although I did want to hug him too, because hugging in my opinion is really the most suitable symbol for happy friendship, I did not. I only did it days ago for the first time.

Why am I such an idiot? I want to do something but I am stopped from it by myself. I can say all I want in front of this computer screen, blog all I want, talk whatever I want on MSN, but I cannot replicate that into real life. On this pathway, all that looks on at the end will be regrets.

Even before today's session, I was already thinking that the restrictions I impose on myself for these 4 years has led to the loss of huge fun and memories. I think the restrictions I have can lead to me becoming what you might call really a saint or somewhere along these lines.

But I don't want to be a saint. I want to be a great friend, not just knowing many people, but I want to be understood and understand by at least a couple of bosom friends. Friends for a lifetime. Friendship that will never die. Friendship, more than just recognizing each other's existence in future.

Self-imposed restrictions. On my thoughts: See my OP points. On my feelings: See above about the photos and about the hugs.

On the MRT home, I am so very lost. I am thankful to Tian Hao about the food thingy, but then... I don't even know.

There is probably some things I want to say to people like Shi Ping, but I just can't find any. Many times I find myself trying to think hard of what to say to people. This is a huge mental barrier. I am not aided when I don't do what most people do. For example, Maple, DOTA, LAN.

I can probably work wonders when I am confined. That 1008-word essay, I would not have thought about it if I am not questioned about it on the EMB. I would not have done it without silent thinking.

I can think about issues on my own, but I lack the confidence to share it with others. I just don't have the belief that I can do it, that I am wanted, that I can do whatever I want to.

In such a fuss, I find myself talking round and round in circles for one of the first times recently in a blog post.

I want to shed this persona I am typifying now. I want to be someone very committed in his studies, yes, but I want to be a team player, and I want to be confident. I want to have lifetime friends. I want to show my emotions naturally, boundless expressions.

I don't want to stop myself anymore. I want freedom of actions. I want to be able to talk to anyone freely without pressure, without needing to think hard for issues and talking points. I am always bothered thinking what others are thinking about what I said or what I blogged.



If you actually decided to read till here, I thank you. I always possess the hope that people will find it worthy enough to spend time reading my thoughts and emotions. The hope. The undying hope. But the hope, which if it is unfulfilled, damages my spirit.

I need confirmation. Someone please tell me that I can do it.

I may be churning 'Yes We Can' all the time, but I myself, ESPECIALLY ON THE FRIENDSHIP ARENA, AS WELL AS THE EXPRESSION ARENA, have a long way to go to actually do justice to the 3 simple words. I don't really understand myself here, but I hope you people who read this will understand it for me. I may wear smiles most of the time, but on some occasions they are just masks.


On a sidenote, if during the holidays especially, and in whatever life can throw us with, if you need me, you can always confide in me. And please tell me I can always confide in you too. If you have any outings for bowling or pool or soccer or any sports (no LAN), tell me, and I will try to make it too.

Just tell me, you want me there. Just tell me, I am also your friend, your good friend.